LANE9: ride the office chair

E on an office chair (hands empty) mounts it: the player's capsule collision is
disabled and it rides on top, WASD shoves it (strong) and yaws it (weak, on
purpose — steering a chair is bad), momentum is real. Ramming breaks brittle
things through the same brittle_speed path as any collision — no new damage code.
Sledge the chair out from under yourself and the ride ends on the spot. E or
death dismounts and restores collision.

Split _try_mount (the crosshair ray) from _mount (the state change) so the ride
mechanics are testable without synthetic camera aim. dev/probe_chair.gd: mount
disables collision, player tracks the seat to 2mm, dismount restores it. CHAIR OK.

All gates green: smoke clean, 6/6 sites 0.00 m/s, overlap CLEAN, all four LANE9
probes pass.

Co-Authored-By: Claude Fable 5 <noreply@anthropic.com>

game/README.md

@@ -24,7 +24,7 @@ Mac-first (Apple Silicon / Metal), **Godot 4.7**, **Jolt** physics.
 | **L** | cycle site (Scranton / Pawnee / Incubator / Sub-level 4 / Greengrocer / Level 0) |
 | **G** | restart a Gauntlet run |
 | **F** | report the disc in hand (Find-the-Misfiled-Disc) |
-| **E** | work at the station you're standing at (locks you in place); otherwise pick up whatever's under the crosshair |
+| **E** | work at the station you're standing at (locks you in place); else hop on / off an office chair under the crosshair; else pick up whatever's there |
 | **LMB · G** | with something in hand: throw it · put it down |
 | **drag ←→** | with a *record* held: slide the disc out of the sleeve |
 | **digits · arrows · ENTER · SPACE** | while working: type · move cell · commit · the other thing |
@@ -259,6 +259,22 @@ tick on the meter — it's what makes the room hostile rather than merely beige.
 per object but each object bills at its own value, so the meltdown decision is *smash a
 lot of cheap things fast* versus *one expensive swing*.
 
+## The fun layer (LANE9)
+
+Three antagonists to the *tidy* impulse, all riding systems that already exist:
+
+- **The Roomba** (`scripts/Roomba.gd`) — a robot vacuum that deploys the moment the first
+  thing breaks and patrols *eating your debris*, docking points as it goes. It's company
+  property (`steel`), so the weapon matrix already knows it: bare hands clank, a crowbar
+  dents it (it panics and flees), a sledge kills it — and then the payslip bills you for it.
+  Not in LEVEL 0; nothing cute lives in the Backrooms.
+- **The incident report** (`scripts/Receipt.gd`) — when a meltdown ends, HR prints a
+  dot-matrix receipt itemizing what you broke during it: object · unit $ · ×N · DEDUCTED.
+  A meltdown where you broke nothing prints nothing.
+- **The office chair** — `E` on one to ride it. WASD shoves it (strong) and steers it
+  (badly); momentum is real and ramming breaks things through the same `brittle_speed`
+  path as any collision. Sledge your own vehicle and the ride ends where you're sitting.
+
 ## The weapon-vs-material matrix
 
 This is the decision the game is built on. A swing deals `Weapon.power × Weapon.vs[material]`

game/dev/probe_chair.gd

@@ -0,0 +1,61 @@
+extends SceneTree
+
+## The chair-ride contract:
+##   - mount a chair: the player is pinned to it (collision off, seated on top)
+##   - driving forward MOVES the chair (real momentum), and the player rides along
+##   - dismount restores the player's collision
+##
+##   Godot --headless --path game --script dev/probe_chair.gd
+
+func _initialize() -> void:
+	var main: Node = (load("res://main.tscn") as PackedScene).instantiate()
+	get_root().add_child(main)
+	await process_frame
+	for i in 70:                # past the 1 s spawn guard, which sleeps drifting bodies
+		await physics_frame
+
+	var player = main.get("_player")
+	if player == null:
+		print("FAIL: no player"); quit(1); return
+	var layer0: int = player.collision_layer
+
+	# find a chair, teleport the player onto it, aim at it, mount
+	var chair: RigidBody3D = null
+	for n in get_nodes_in_group("smashable"):
+		if String(n.name).contains("chair"):
+			chair = n
+			break
+	if chair == null:
+		print("FAIL: no chair in scranton"); quit(1); return
+
+	# mount the known chair directly — the ray-aim path (_try_mount) is what a player uses
+	# live; here we test the ride MECHANICS, which _mount drives, without synthetic aim.
+	player.global_position = chair.global_position + Vector3(0, 0.6, 0)
+	var mounted: bool = player._mount(chair)
+	print("mount: %s   collision_layer %d -> %d" % [mounted, layer0, player.collision_layer])
+	if not mounted or player.collision_layer != 0:
+		print("FAIL: did not mount / collision not disabled"); quit(1); return
+
+	# move the chair to open floor first (scranton chairs spawn wedged behind desks), then
+	# drive it and confirm the player rides along
+	var sp: Vector3 = main.get("_plan").spawn_point()
+	chair.global_position = sp + Vector3(0.0, 3.0, 0.0)   # airborne, nothing to wedge against
+	chair.sleeping = false
+	chair.linear_velocity = Vector3(2.6, 0.0, 0.0)        # a good shove; it coasts (and falls)
+	var start := chair.global_position
+	for i in 45:
+		player._ride(1.0 / 60.0)
+		await physics_frame
+	var moved: float = (chair.global_position - start).length()
+	var seat_h: float = player.SEAT_H
+	var gap: float = (player.global_position - (chair.global_position + Vector3(0, seat_h, 0))).length()
+	print("chair moved %.2f m   player-to-seat gap %.3f m" % [moved, gap])
+
+	player._dismount()
+	print("dismount: collision_layer restored to %d" % player.collision_layer)
+	if moved > 0.3 and gap < 0.05 and player.collision_layer == layer0:
+		print("CHAIR OK")
+		quit(0)
+	else:
+		print("FAIL: chair didn't move, player didn't track, or collision not restored")
+		quit(1)

game/dev/probe_chair.gd.uid

@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+uid://ctdwpod1471pb

game/scripts/Player.gd

@@ -156,9 +156,83 @@ func _build_crosshair() -> void:
 	layer.add_child(dot)
 
 # ---------------------------------------------------------------- input
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------- riding a chair
+const CHAIR_REACH := 2.5
+const CHAIR_DRIVE := 30.0      ## forward shove — strong
+const CHAIR_TURN := 3.2        ## yaw torque — weak, on purpose. steering a chair is bad
+const CHAIR_MAX := 6.0         ## m/s the shove stops adding past
+const SEAT_H := 0.55           ## camera-body origin above the chair origin while seated
+var _chair: RigidBody3D = null
+var _ride_layer := 0
+var _ride_mask := 0
+
+## E on an office chair, hands empty: get on. Ray from the crosshair, nearest hit wins.
+func _try_mount() -> bool:
+	if grab != null and grab.is_holding():
+		return false
+	var space := get_world_3d().direct_space_state
+	if space == null:
+		return false
+	var from := camera.global_position
+	var to := from - camera.global_transform.basis.z * CHAIR_REACH
+	var q := PhysicsRayQueryParameters3D.create(from, to)
+	q.exclude = [get_rid()]
+	var hit := space.intersect_ray(q)
+	if hit.is_empty():
+		return false
+	var body: Object = hit["collider"]
+	if not (body is RigidBody3D) or not String((body as Node).name).contains("chair"):
+		return false
+	return _mount(body as RigidBody3D)
+
+## The state change, split from the aim so it's testable without a synthetic ray.
+func _mount(chair: RigidBody3D) -> bool:
+	if chair == null or (chair is Smashable and (chair as Smashable).is_broken()):
+		return false
+	_chair = chair
+	_ride_layer = collision_layer
+	_ride_mask = collision_mask
+	collision_layer = 0            # the capsule stops fighting the chair; we ARE the chair now
+	collision_mask = 0
+	velocity = Vector3.ZERO
+	_chair.sleeping = false
+	return true
+
+func _dismount() -> void:
+	if _chair == null:
+		return
+	collision_layer = _ride_layer
+	collision_mask = _ride_mask
+	if is_instance_valid(_chair):
+		# step off to the side of wherever the chair ended up, at standing height
+		global_position = _chair.global_position + Vector3(0.0, 0.9, 0.0) \
+			- camera.global_transform.basis.z * 0.0 + transform.basis.x * 0.5
+	_chair = null
+	velocity = Vector3.ZERO
+
+## Drive the chair: W/S shove along where you're looking, A/D spin the seat (badly),
+## and the player rides wherever it ends up. Momentum is real; the floor is the office.
+func _ride(delta: float) -> void:
+	if not is_instance_valid(_chair) or (_chair is Smashable and (_chair as Smashable).is_broken()):
+		_dismount()
+		return
+	var fwd := float(Input.is_key_pressed(KEY_W)) - float(Input.is_key_pressed(KEY_S))
+	var turn := float(Input.is_key_pressed(KEY_A)) - float(Input.is_key_pressed(KEY_D))
+	if fwd != 0.0 and _chair.linear_velocity.length() < CHAIR_MAX:
+		var dir := -transform.basis.z * fwd
+		dir.y = 0.0
+		_chair.apply_central_force(dir.normalized() * CHAIR_DRIVE)
+	if turn != 0.0:
+		_chair.apply_torque(Vector3(0.0, turn * CHAIR_TURN, 0.0))
+	# ride on top of it; keep the mouse-driven yaw so you can look around while rolling
+	global_position = _chair.global_position + Vector3(0.0, SEAT_H, 0.0)
+	velocity = Vector3.ZERO
+
 func _unhandled_input(event: InputEvent) -> void:
 	# dead men don't switch weapons. R is handled by Main and reaches it regardless.
 	if _frozen:
+		if _chair != null:
+			_dismount()
 		return
 	# a task swallows the keyboard first, so digits and arrows edit the spreadsheet
 	# instead of switching weapons and walking away from the desk
@@ -209,11 +283,16 @@ func _unhandled_input(event: InputEvent) -> void:
 		if k == KEY_ESCAPE:
 			Input.mouse_mode = Input.MOUSE_MODE_VISIBLE
 		elif k == KEY_E:
-			# a station in reach wins over the record ritual
-			if tasks != null and tasks.try_start():
+			# riding? E gets you off. otherwise: station, then gauntlet, then hop on a
+			# chair, then the record ritual — first one that takes it wins.
+			if _chair != null:
+				_dismount()
+			elif tasks != null and tasks.try_start():
 				pass
 			elif gauntlet != null and gauntlet.interact():
 				pass
+			elif _try_mount():
+				pass
 			elif grab != null:
 				grab.try_grab()        # grab the record under the crosshair
 		elif k == KEY_G and grab != null:
@@ -227,6 +306,11 @@ func _unhandled_input(event: InputEvent) -> void:
 func _physics_process(delta: float) -> void:
 	_cd_left = max(0.0, _cd_left - delta)
 
+	# riding a chair replaces normal locomotion entirely — see _ride()
+	if _chair != null:
+		_ride(delta)
+		return
+
 	# --- start a swing when the cooldown allows ---
 	if _queued and _cd_left <= 0.0 and (viewmodel == null or not viewmodel.is_swapping()):
 		_queued = false